Dirk Premiere Wows Cabal of Sonoma County Elite with Extravagance, Recycling, and AZNs

It was certainly an unusual sight in the wee hours of the morning of December 24, 2004 at the Roxy Cinemas in downtown SR - perhaps an unprecedented one. A horde of Catholic schoolchildren, venerable educators, college escapees, and general characters emerged from a theater, in varying degrees of both somnolence and vestimental fanciness, chattering excitedly and shaking hands. Local hoodlums and Godforsaken employees puzzled over what obscure rite, what arcane ritual might have taken place in Cinema 3. Little could they fathom the greatness of some among the crowd upon whom they gazed. Legendary figures were indeed present at that very witching time of night, when no one yawned and Yime himself breathed out excitement on the fans.

What took place was no meeting of a secret society, no exorcism (though a priest was spotted among the attendees), but a subculture-defining event. The star-studded premiere of the epic film The Legend of Dirk, a superhero movie to end all superhero movies, proved not some motley soiree populated by assorted riffraf but a high-class, star-power-driven affair that saw the fashionable appearance of such greats as Jesse Irving, Risa Dicolen, Trevor Montgomery, Dominic Agius, Andrew Perlas (resplendent in the usual choice of barely-CN-legit collared shirt and jeans), and did I mention Jesse Irving? The presence of such CN & UHS faculty and staff as Susan O'Rourke, Maryanne Berry, Cody Anderson, Margaret Taggart (!), and the inspirational Dirk Bietau himself did much to add a sort of officially-sponsored gravitas to the event. This was no mere gathering of a loosely interconnected social alliance; the gathering fell nothing short of a freaking cavalcade. The living legend himself, Jim Agius, emceed with a manner of self-conscious excitement that one might expect when one's movie features all manner of general profanity, violence, an unsanctioned cameo by Don King, a Mel Gibson tribute, and that oh-so-disturbing chicken man. All were well-received.

After all was said and done, the fans dispersed, their Christmas holiday no doubt having commenced on the right foot. But now, just one question remains, lingering in the minds of many who attended that night: WHO IS FACEHOLE JACKSON?

Written by Roland Nadler